Great Bar Jokes

I love to hear a good joke. In fact, I've heard quite a few ridiculously funny jokes in my life. I'm not sharing any of those with you today. Instead, I'm sharing the seven jokes I've heard in a bar which made me laugh so hard (at the time) that I ended up writing them down. Yes, that's me: the girl in the bar who writes things on napkins so she won't forget them later.

Why am I sharing these with you? Even if you don't find them funny right now, wait until you have had a good number of drinks at the bar. Then, start sharing these. You'll see.

The year I lived in New York, we had blizzards and ice storms. The pipes in the house my roommate and I rented constantly froze, whether we left the water running or not. One night, a truck full of idiots, who probably had been drinking, lost control and crashed into our house. My roommate’s car was crushed, and the house’s foundation was damaged. I had fallen asleep on the couch, but woke up to the sound of the crash. I went to the window to see someone jump out of the truck and run down the street. The driver saw me at the window, and then quickly drove away. We called the police, but the guys were never caught.

Needless to say, my roommate and I were less than thrilled with the winter weather. So, when we went out to the bar one night, we were less than thrilled when one of the local guys started joking with us about the weather. One joke did crack our icy façade, causing us to laugh:

What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

--Snow Balls

The New Jersey—California Showdown

Another night, at a bar in New York City, a guy tried to entertain my friend and me with a couple of jokes. He told this joke:

Why does California have a lot of lawyers and New Jersey a lot of landfills?

--New Jersey had first pick.

Well, needless to say, my gal friend and I got our panties in a bit of a bunch because we thought this guy was insulting our home state of California. Nuh uh, not cool. So, he tried to redeem himself with this joke:

Why hasn’t California fallen into the ocean yet?

--Because New Jersey sucks that bad.

Then, he bought us a couple more rounds of drinks. We forgave him, and ended up getting along royally.

The Bloody Joke

Generally, I might find the following joke disgusting. But, the night I heard it, I was in a tiny bar in the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. There is nothing to do out there but drink, or be entertained by Creeping Jesus, a local who prowls around with bird feathers in his hair (he named himself Creeping Jesus, by the way). He once tried to light himself on fire to make us laugh, but that wasn’t funny. The bartender cut him off early that night. Anyway, a couple of other locals were trying to amuse us, and this joke came about:

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

--Half a cat.

Before you read the answer, was your head in the gutter? I bet it was! Half the guys in the bar shouted that the answer was: “A woman!” How wrong they were. I won’t lie—I had consumed quite a few shots of SoCo and lime (iced, of course), so I laughed my butt off over this joke. Even funnier was that one of my friends didn’t get it. It took an hour long discussion to explain it to her.

The Times Square Pub Joke

The first time I ever visited New York City, we discovered an Irish Pub in Times Square that we loved. On every visit to the city after that, I’ve managed to make a visit to this place. The pub has since moved and gone through quite a few changes, but it is still a tradition to meet one of my friends there whenever I visit. One late night, the lovely bartender entertained us with jokes. I admit that I didn’t get this one at first:

What do you call a three-legged donkey?

--A wonky!

Yes, I was confused. But, I laughed anyway. I figured I didn’t really get it because I had been drinking. I’m thinking this one only really works if you are being told the joke by a cute, Irish barman, but you can go ahead and give it a try. Then came his second joke:

What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye?

--A winky wonky.

Once you get started with the wonky jokes, you really can’t stop until you get them all out there. Plus, you can gauge just how drunk your companions are based on how funny they find these jokes. They sound hilarious, but if you don’t understand the lingo, the punch line is a bit off. The bartender came out with the third joke:

What do you call a three-legged donkey with one eye that listens to country-western music?

--A honky tonky winky wonky!

By this point, we were in a fit of giggles. The bartender might have told us more, but I stopped writing them down. I can tell you that he got a good tip, and my friend’s phone number.

None of these are hilarious jokes, right? But, they are fairly easy to remember, and work well in the bar…after you’ve had a few drinks. Tell the jokes. I dare you.